Ready-meals and poo-mergencies

So I’ve been on the Keto kick for 2 weeks now and am due a weigh-in. The tape-measure tells me i’ve lost six centimetres from around my waist, and precisely fuck-all from around my ass, and I’m slightly concerned i’m going to end up looking a bit like Kimmy K on a bad day.

Week 2

Highs …

This week, I tried to take the preparation burden down a bit by ordering a selection of ready meals from Thr1ve’s ultra-low carb keto-friendly selection. Figured it would be one less meal a day to prepare and do the maths for. I ordered three different dishes – ‘butter chicken’, ‘chicken rendang’ and ‘braised beef cheeks’. All come with cauliflower and broccoli rice, and i’ve been adding spinach for bulk and coconut oil for extra fat, since the ‘rice’ sucks it up and I don’t even notice it.

Now, I am generally against ready-meals. I think it’s lazy, and they are generally full of sugars, preservatives, and are just generally a bit shit. This week I have tried to put Judgy McBitchface back in her box and lower myself to consuming something that came pre-packed in a plastic tray and got nuked for two minutes in the microwave. And surprisingly, they’re not that bad. I base this mostly on the fact that they contain no crap, and are surprisingly filling despite not looking like they will touch the sides.

Couple of things – firstly, two minutes isn’t enough unless you like your chicken ‘tepid’. Best make it 2.45 and avoid the risk of an upset stomach. God knows, that risk is high enough as it is at the moment! Also, butter chicken and rendang are both highly spiced dishes, full of flavour. Or supposed to be. Not so with these. Despite what the pack says, there is no kick in that rendang, and these will be disappointing if you’re expecting them to taste like actual butter chicken or rendang. However, they are quite palatable and definitely make a convenient lunchtime go-to when you can’t be arsed to get the scales out and weigh some cheese.

The ‘beef cheeks’ are recommended to be heated on the stove, and I can see why. When nuked, the sauce doesn’t thicken, and the rice can’t soak it all up so you end up drinking it out of the bowl. It’s actually quite tasty, but the whole ‘heat on the stove’ thing rather defeats the object of buying ready-meals, so I won’t be bothering with that one again. At least not in the office where drinking out of one’s bowl is not socially acceptable unless it’s miso.

Overall i’d say it was a decent plan … certainly takes a bit of the effort out of it and they kept me full for the amount of time that they needed to. I am, however, absolutely sick of cauliflower and broccoli rice so I might go down to two a week.

Now, i’m not a Thr1ve affiliate, but I do have a discount coupon and it’s good for $25 off your first order (or 2 free). Click here – it’s good until 16 Feb.


Lows …

Everyone who has ever done a very low carb diet will know the feeling of sitting on the loo for about an hour, sometime near the end of week 1, feeling like you’re trying to shit a wardrobe. When you take the carbs out of your diet, a lot of the fibre comes out with them, and hence … constipation. I have experienced this only once, on my first ever low carb diet, and resolved to take whatever steps were necessary to ensure it never happened again. Over the years i’ve used various supplements, powders, gels, you name it, but so far the most effective (and natural) method i’ve found for dealing with it is … wait for it … ‘Skinny Mint’ detox tea.

I think I mentioned this in my last post – the tea company who’s adverts feature lots of skinny teenagers flashing their toned abdomens. Affiliates include Kylie Jenner (because there’s always one of that lot in the mix somewhere), and a load of other chicks raving about the benefits including reduction in bloating, and weight loss. And yes, I agree – you do, in fact, de-bloat and lose some weight.


BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU POO!! There is nothing secret or magical about this – it’s basically a natural laxative. And a perfect complement to a low-carb diet if you don’t want to take psyllium or similar as a supplement. However, I urge you to use with caution, particularly until you know what to expect, as it can be quite, er, potent. And never, EVER, trust a fart, unless you’re alone at home. Under-estimating this stuff may result in a sphincter-squeezing dash in a Himalaya trekking curry and altitude combo sty-lee, otherwise known as a ‘poo-mergency’. Trust me, I know – that mad-dash from Wynyard Station to my office was the closest i’ve come to shitting myself in my adult life. If you’re lucky, the nearest bathroom won’t be the one pictured – officially the worst loo in the world!

So what else? I had another cheat day this weekend. That is, I had 3 drinks – a glass of champagne and two small red wines. I didn’t blow my macros, so i’m not really sure it counts as cheating, although the alcohol did briefly give my body something other than fat to focus upon. I also had a vodka and soda, which definitely doesn’t count …

Next week … MCT oil powder. What is it and does it do anything? Also, I will “weigh-in” …



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