The aftermath of ‘ass class’

So far, all is good in the proverbial hood, save for a bit of a cheat yesterday. Today i’ve been languishing on the sofa … you know it’s bad when Netflix asks you if you’re still watching …

Day 4

Today I am sore. So sore, in fact, that I can hardly walk. Six weeks out of the gym have taken their toll, and yesterday’s ‘bums & barre’ class (affectionately known as ‘ass class’) has rendered me almost incapable of unassisted movement. My glutes and quads are burning and i’m having to put my hands down to lower myself gingerly onto the loo, to pee on a strip that is now turning a reassuring pink colour. I take this as a good sign – the pee strip results are somewhat unreliable, but i can’t draw my own blood so it’s the best I have. I used a cup this time and still managed to pee on my hand. I used to be good at this – I don’t know what happened 😦

On the food front, I’m enjoying what i’m eating, and still no cravings or feeling hungry, despite the calorie deficit. I’m trying to eat less cheese and more avocado, since (while CHEESE IS LIFE) the avo gives me a good boost of fat without blowing out my protein target. The mozzarella that i’ve been enjoying has equal amounts of both, so I grudgingly resolve to moderate it going forward. I’m still finding it hard to hit my fat quota, but eating an avocado a day and pouring olive, coconut or avocado oil on everything seems to be helping!

I’m still not feeling any negative effects from the exogenous ketones, so I’m now at full dosage. Today is the first day that I’ll be taking it twice in a day – to give me an added boost of energy before my evening workout. Hopefully it doesn’t give me an added boost of anything else …

My compromised physical state doesn’t help me tonight when I have my first pole dance class in weeks. Being heavier, less fit and creaky as all shit isn’t going to help me get my ass over my head, and predictably my aerial invert has totally gone to hell in a handbag. However, my nemesis move was not to be my undoing … that would be a much more benign spin around the pole, nothing fancy, concentrating super-hard on landing on my left knee. And I did, hard, right on the base of the pole, and it hurt like a motherf****r. The sort of hurt that makes your eyes water. I sat at the back of class with an icepack, feeling like an utter moron.

Day 5

I have a huge bruise blooming on my knee, and I contemplate another lunchtime workout and evening pole class – I’m not sure I physically have it in me! I’m not sure whether it’s the diet, or that i’ve slammed my body hard with exercise after several weeks of sitting on my fat arse eating cheese. Still, I fill my belly with eggs, scrambled in butter, with cheese, and head out to start my day.

I force my way through another pilates reformer class (new year’s resolution: get value out of Virgin Active membership), and settle down to another carb-light lunch. This afternoon, I have a bit of an episode. It’s bizarre – I feel hyper-active, and somewhat euphoric. I’ve got the giggles and I have no idea why, but I hope this burst of energy carries me through another pole class tonight!

Class tonight is a dumpster-fire. I suck at everything, and i have a really un-pretty bruise on the inside of my right arm. Weirdly though, I’m not starving as I make my way home. Usually I’m ready to eat the carpet by the time I get back from pole!

Day 6

My shipment of Skinny Mint tea has arrived. I ordered it in November which is impressively shitty delivery performance, but i’ll put it down to xmas and cut them some slack – usually they deliver in just a few days. The Skinny Mint ‘teatox’ package consists of a morning boost tea, and a night cleanse tea.

“Reset your body in just 28 days”

The website is full of ‘before and after’ pictures (some of which just look like pre and post lunch to me!), with customers reporting reduced bloating, weight-loss, and a general clean-out of your insides. I just like the taste of the stuff … can’t say i’ve ever lost any weight drinking it, although it certainly does help to reduce bloating. The night tea is a very effective colon cleanser … it makes you poo. A lot. Sometimes violently and at short notice. I can see how it would be an effective weight-loss aid …

I’m feeling pretty good now – my energy levels are up, I’m waking up before my alarm, and i’m staying awake until after 11pm (this IS an achievement – I’m usually in bed at 9.30pm!). Today’s pole class is a lunchtime one, and I’ve gone up a level, which in retrospect was a shitty idea given that i’m now weaker and heavier. I can, however, hold a decent ‘left leg hang’, so i’m not too far out of my comfort zone since it’s the base of every trick this week. Unfortunately i’m not very ‘splitty’, so I write a chunk of it off as unachievable and try not to fall out of my “toothbrush” onto my face.

Day 8

Yesterday was a fuck-up. Diets like this one aren’t very respectful of your social life, and even less so at events like weddings where you have zero control over the menu. Everything I ate was 100% not allowed and utterly delicious. I blew my carb target on one arancini ball, and then fucked it royally in the ass with two serves of paella and a bowl of fish n’chips. Also several glasses of wine. Still, I was good the whole day until 5pm, so I’m technically calling it a ‘cheat meal’. As of this morning i’m back on the supplements, and will blow the remnants of naughtiness out of my system with a Skinny Mint night tea.

Yesterday I cooked my first ketones recipe. Up to this point i’ve just been putting stuff on a plate rather than actually cooking, so to break it up I made baked Italian meatballs. These were actually pretty good, although a little carb-heavy compared to the things i’ve been eating so now i’m trying to balance everything else around them while I try and get through them, which makes the measuring thing a bit more of a pain in the ass as I had a system worked out!


So next week I have a new strategy. To take a bit of the pain out of the prep, I have shipped in a selection of ready meals by Thr1ve. A small selection of their menu is keto-friendly, so all I have to do is stick them in the microwave – will take the pain out of lunch prep! We’ll see how it goes …!

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